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I need to write something. Something tomorrow…

Some Plans For Winter Break in List Form (Sprinkle Me)

Normally, I don’t do anything during winter break outside of my house (aside from working on the weekends). Since this semester has been a total drag and pretty much drained the life outta me, I feel like I really need to take advantage of the month-long vacation I hav

- I decided to start a side programming project that has been inspired mainly by my Street Fighter hobby. To quickly summarize, I want to create a Java program that allows a user to interact with a character’s frame data. So, they can quickly view the move-set, calculate different numbers, etc.

- I haven’t seen a whole bunch of my friends as of late, so I’m doing my best to actually see most of them. I haven’t seen a bunch of movies either, so I might be able to mix both.

O, and I saw “Step Brothers” the other day. Hilarious movie. Check it out if you haven’t.

- Back to last semester, I really need to look back and re-assess everything that has been going on. Finishing this term really wasn’t the highlight of my schooling career; I felt like I did the worst I’ve ever done. So, now I have to figure out how I’m going to continue with the spring semester and finish college strong. I guess as of now, I might have to talk to someone (maybe a counselor) or simply think of a way to improve my approach on school.

- In terms of Street Fighter stuff, I’ve found a new love for Alpha 2, so I’ll be playing a bit more of that on GGPO. I haven’t played that game in so long, so I’m pretty much relearning this game. Back to Charlieeee.

In Street Fighter 4 news, I hopefully will be incorporating a new type of training mode regimint so that I can get my combos up to my own standards and make sure my matchup knowledge can get a boost as well.

I guess that’s all for now. I might even read up on some other self-improvment stuff and whatnot. So for now, I’m about to check out Statik Selektah’s new EP.

OH and by the way, Avatar is an excellent movie. Check it out please.

A Disconnect….(Love Lost)

During the last 20 minutes of being open, Target becomes somewhat quiet. The aisles are clear, almost looking bigger than normal. The only talking you hear is from other team members or the loud TVs on the wall. previewing a new DVD movie or showing another Target ad. Other than that, the place is dead. But you know what?

I like it that way.

During those times, I actually get a chance to be by myself. I get to think about stuff when normally, I’m so occupied working with other people, I never really get a chance to do. It’s like I get a certain “me” time. No one to tell me what to do, no one to tell me bullshit, no one to talk to but me.

Ironically enough, one of the thoughts I get is the fact that there’s not enough people in my life I can talk to. Not like a “hi-and-bye” type of thing; I’m an expert at said skill. But I can never wrap my head around why I can’t alway get past the “hi / bye” phase and get to the “let’s hang out” part of the relationship where we’re still acquaintances.

Something in my head blocks that part of me getting past that part; it will take me a while to actually start trusting a person enough to be brave enough to let them into why true self.  However, there’s some people who I want to have a connection with right away. It feels good knowing someone actually cares about who you are and wants to dive deeper and vice versa. Almost like you both like each other. No games. No run-around. Just straight up honesty.

But with a lot of people I like physically or emotionally, I tend to…lock up when (wanting to start) talking to them. It’s like….it’s like I say something and nothing comes out. I hope that next line I say is going to be that dope starter to a conversation or it’s going to start a line of conversations where each little word we say will get us deeper and deeper into each other. I also hope that after a string of those, I feel like I’m working to actually let them know I still want to be in their lives (feeling like it’s a one-way relationship). But in most cases, it’s not. I miss that opportunity to say something. I don’t charm her. I don’t make him laugh his ass off. I don’t get her attracted to me. They don’t see me as a friend outside of that little box, just a co-worker or a classmate.

This is the reason I feel some sort of disconnect from certain people. I could say our wavelengths are the same and there’s a “vibe disruption” between us. I could think I don’t share too much in common with a lot of people and I have to work a lot harder to make up for it…just for them to like who I am.

It shouldn’t feel like I need to work that hard just for someone to like me, but unfortunately I live in a world where first impressions set the base for how things tend to work themselves out and I generally suck and making great ones.

It’s Quiet Around 3 AM… (Fall Out The Sky / Something)

Everyone is sleeping. Except for me. Since receiving my two failure notices, this has been the norm for me. I’ve been spending more time studying and regular school work than actually doing anything else. I was lucky enough to be able to make some free time for myself last Saturday. I ended up going to a Street Fighter IV tournament where i ended up placing second in a 8 man tourney. I feel proud not because I was able to beat 6 other players, but I finally see progress in my goals towards being the best at this game.

The people there were really cool and nice to talk to and hang around with. Most of us were equal minded and loved the game we play so chemistry was instant. One of the players brought up the idea of getting people together to form some sort of team for Street Fighter or whatnot. Honestly, I love the idea and I think with the right motivation and players, we can definately bring some new fresh faces into the game. That and good competition is better than no competition.

There was something that definately stuck to me as I was there. One of the people that organized the tournament and the heads of the gaming club at my school kept on catching my attention. I’ve seen her multiple times before and she’s been nothing but cool and nice with me. Deep down, I just want to be able to have a nice conversation with her and hopefully get a friendship going with her, but everytime the situation came up, I froze up, wishing the next thing I said would have started some sort of conversation or whatever.

Lost…(Final Fantasy XV)

It’s 1:18 Tuesday morning. I’m laying on my bed staring at my laptop screen. I refuse to sleep, and my body appears to agree. The only music I’m listening to is the sound of the laptop fan and the clicking of my keyboard as it frantically scatters words onto the screen. Thoughts blur around my mind as I figure out what exactly should I type next. This is the norm when I started doing the journaling thing. I spend a few minutes/hours in the wee hours in the morning writing down anything that comes to mind or whatever interested/bothered me that previous day. I used to hate being up late and waking up later than 9 AM the next morning. But now I love it.

I get a chance to speak to “you”, my faceless audience. But in reality, I get to talk with myself.

I get to see who I really am. Not the person I present myself to the general public during the day or while I’m “awake”, but my true self while I “sleep”. No boundaries, no limitations. I get to see all my flaws and my strengthens and understand them, while I share with “you” my dreams and wants. I don’t feel selfish or obsessive here. I can’t lose anything, so I never worry about hoarding from “you”. “You’re” my equal.

When I sleep, I begin to see things differently. Things go my way. Events are constructed by me. Consqeuences are in my everyone’s favor. I’m strong and able-minded. I’m the person I dream about to be. I see myself knowing and able to do all things, being in places I never been before, expressing myself in ways I’ve never thought imaginable. I also see myself being wanted. Being loved…

When I sleep, I’m not the same when I’m awake. I’m not conformed to my own social conventions where it’s unwise to always talk to a “stranger” randomly, or attempt to flirt with a female only to hesitate being shot down or looked at like I’m crazy or something of the sort. I have no need to think about what I have to do with my life in order to fill into society’s shoes of success or masculinity. I don’t obsessively think about how much I have to do on a given day, how I look, or how I can improve myself. I never worry about if I say the wrong thing or if what I said comforts someone. When I sleep, I’m already improved. I’m already successful. I’m perfect.

When I sleep, I never have to end my stories about how I feel about the world I live in while I’m awake. I feel like I rule this world and everything revolves around me. I dictate the stories that occur in everyday life. The natural order of things are determined by my mind-state. Am I God? No. I don’t require to be worshipped or have my existance be discussed over silly debates due to belief conflicts. I could care less…

But can I sleep while I’m awake? Can I drift along this world and live the way I live in my dreams. I want to walk along the beach with someone special during a summer evening and talk about the things we love onto the wee hours of the morning. I want to live comfortably without having to go through tests and trials of memorization ability only to find out you never needed to. I want to become a wanted part within people’s lives, so if I so happen to die, my friends would have volumes of stories to tell about our relationships. Can I do that….?

Can I sleep knowing when I wake up I’ll still be sleeping?

I guess I don’t want to sleep because I know when I wake up, my dream would be nothing but a memory. A memory snatched away by amensia.

Something…

The theme song for every girl I happen to come across and like a lot…

I’m thinking about writing about the thought I had in my head when I usually listen to this song.

Enter text here.i’ll probably take it over the summer

Enemy of the State

So, Lupe Fiasco put out a mixtape today. Yeah, a mixtape. The same thing that Lupe once said that he wasn’t going to do anymore. But it doesn’t matter. I’m liking the fact there’s new Lupe out now, but I haven’t heard any new singles for his new album. Ah well.

The tape, Enemy of the State: A Love Story, is pretty much a short tape of small freestyles over different song. While I am happy it’s new Lupe, I can’t say it’s super dope either. Ahh well. Here’s the songs I like:

- Yoga Flame (Fireman)
- Angels (Remix)
- The One
- Popular Demand (I think this was the best one)

So Much, So Little (Reunion)

I know it’s Thanksgiving and all that, and everyone’s writing about how thankful I am about everything. Well, I can say I’m thankful for being able to live in a home, get nice cooked food every day, being able to work and go to school, and have the friends I have. But this is not what this post is about.

Random Thoughts

- Working on my confidence is really some hard work. Being a person trived on criticism a bit, it’s a bit difficult to actually merit myself unless I’m actually seeing the rewards I want and they’re coming in consistently. As of now, it’s not the case since I’m dealing with more flaws that prevent that confidence to grow.

- I’m thinking about actually getting back into wanting to DJ again. I’m getting back into that feeling of wanting to go back to my little Mixmeister program and make my bi-monthly mixes again. I guess it was this song that pulled me back in.

- Finals (and Thankgiving) are coming up. Right now, I’m on the verge of failing two classes. I’m aiming to pass Physics, even though my test average is really low compared to my quiz average. I’m definately going to study my ass off for that exam.

- I’m working on a new intro-spective post for my other blog I haven’t updated in forever. Recently, I’m seeing myself lose a shit load of times and I’m getting lost as to how I’m progressing as a player. I’ll talk more on that there.

- I might work on my first Reconstruction post in the next few weeks. Since most of my bad thoughts have been already posted, I figure I’ll just write on how I’m doing at the moment and what I’m doing to actually change myself, or better “improve” myself.

Shout Out To Snakes: A Virgin’s view On Females (Pogo: Shinichi Osawa Remix)

First of lemme say that I’m not a shovanist in any way shape or form. I’ve came up having a very wuss type of mentality in terms of the opposite sex. A lot of times when I was in elementary school, I would have crushes in my school (mostly the ones that were a year older. More on that later) and it would end at that. I never really had the courage to spit game or just talking to them, since back in the fourth grade, there was that “boys vs. girls” war everyone was in (but that was before puberty hit). Most times, I would just lose attraction towards them because another girl came across my way or when I decided to profess, I ended up being the hot topic of the week, later finding out the girl never liked me like that.

Years past, a stint in an all-boys school, and a few more attempts have been made and here I am today. Before I decided to even write this post, I was getting a bit frustrated with how I saw females in general. Matter of fact, I was more confused that anything else, and I still am. On one hand, people tell me to treat women like people and if you show them how you feel, then the thing call reciprocity will kick in and everything will be dope. But on the other hand, I’ve seen some real crazy, nasty, stupid, and some real stuck up shit from girls that sort of makes me wonder if I’ll ever find a girl I can actually stand / talk to without feeling awkward.

But then I came across this thread on Shoryuken.

My first thought was: God-Like.